I only wish

I wish I knew how to show I cared. I mean my sis and I always just knew. Now though I'm someplace new and the few friends I'm making don't just know. I don't know how to show it though. I know how to write love stories and I know that I have been shown it by very few people and never taught how. So how do I show these people that I care? How do I get back the popularity that I'm so used to? The popularity that made me the person I was? I don't have any of that here and I don't even know how to show the people that are willing to deal with my absolute knowing of nothing that I care when they are hurt.

Do you have anything you need to say?

No she says while thinking Just let me out of here now please I need to leave

I just want to make sure you get to say everything you want to I feel like I just lecture you every week

Just let me out here her thoughts continue to beg

Well then let's hug it out.

Let's just leave before I go crazy. Her thoughts beg as she pretty much runs out after his hug. I can't believe I forgot it in the room. I'm going to do something stupid without it. I knew I shouldn't have taken it off before going down. I'm going to start wearing three again. She lets out a sigh as she walks into her room and puts it on. She lets a quick snap hit her wrist and all the tension caused by the meeting starts to go away. Thank goodness I wasn't too late. She thinks as she lets another snap go and continues until she relaxes.

This isn't me. She thinks as she sits on the bed. I'm the girl that can go places without having these things attached to me so that I can get rid of all these stupid feelings. I'm the perfect child that my parents had. I'm the child that did whatever they wanted. I'm not this person. I'm not this girl. I'm not the girl that sees this guy every week. This isn't me so just relax. Snap goes the band bringing her to the reality that the perfect girl only is reality to other people to her this is reality on a good day...

Just give in?

Just give in the voice says inside my head. They'll never know. It'll be between the two of us just like it used to be. Nobody found out then. It made us both feel better. We could function. We slept at night. There weren't as many headaches. Just give in. It's easier.

Don't give in. Another voice chants. We don't take the easy way. Think of all the hurt it could do in the long run.

Think of how much better you'll look. The first voice interrupts.

It's not us.

We could just do it until we weren't fat anymore. I start to compromise with the voices.

It won't stop there. The second voice reminds me. It never stops there it doesn't stop until somebody starts to narc.

Remember how easy it used to be to get away from everything? The first voice asks softly like it was a comfort and I feel a pain as the want becomes even more.

Don't do this... the second voice begs

Just to get everything to go away... the first voice reminds me at the same time as their voices fade away.

What will i do? It's always the question I'm left with.

Learned Helplessness

So another session with T. I have to keep a dream journal because apparently i don't remember my dreams because i don't want to. I'm apparently dealing with things in my subconscious that my consciousness pushes down as soon as it gets the ability to do so. The result? I have to deal with the issues in my consciousness by writing the dreams down before i push them away and then decoding them with T. If T hadn't assured me the dreams were going to be horrible and full of all the feelings crap that i hate then i'd actually be happy about starting. It'd be fun to learn about dreams now that i actually get them too bad they're horrible and weird. Maybe my dream catchers will work and keep them a little calmer like they have been. That'd be so nice. I doubt it will though.

Oh Learned Helplessness... right... that's the term of the week T taught me. Apparently that's what's going on with me. It's what's wrong with my self-esteem. I've been taught that i'm helpless and i've been in a horrible situation for so long that i don't know how to get out. So now that i've been brought to the possibility of an out i have no idea how to react. He explained it with the lab. A scientist had a dog and in one part of the cage the floor was concrete and every couple minutes the scientist would shock the dog but there was a door to the other side of the cage with a glass wall. The other side had pillows and carpets and was just all nice and cozy where the dog could nap and relax in a happy friendly atmosphere. So for the first couple times the gate was open and the dog would yelp when shocked and run into the comfy room. Then the scientist stuck the dog into the torture room and shut the door. Then when the shocking started the dog went crazy trying to find the way into the comfy room. After a while the dog gave up and just laid down becoming accustomed to the shocks. Then the scientist opened the gate back up to see what would happen...

The dog stayed laying down. Even when the scientist turned the shocks off for a while and then turned them back on the dog just stayed in the same spot a couple steps away from comfy cozy safety. That's Learned Helplessness because the dog had learned that the shocks were what it was supposed to get and what it needed. It didn't know how to get to the other side.


It translates to humans in abusive relationships or any bad situation if you're in it long enough you'll get Learned Helplessness so get out now! Before it's too late!!

Miracles

So my sister was in wreck. It's a miracle she's alive. I'm serious if you were to see the pictures of the car you'd understand. I would post them but... well if you're close enough to me to be a friend on facebook you've probably seen them. Anyway it's just a great time to thank God for her and for keeping her in my life.

Abuse?

So i'm at school now as you all know. They have this shrink though and we are all required to see him at least once. I happened to see him right after i got off the phone with M. Naturally i was ticked because she hadn't done the things she'd promised me to do but was doing everything for everybody else. Big surprise why would she do anything for the slut that ruined her life and marriage? Anyway when i get that way and anybody forces me to talk about M and D i have no control over what i say. Before i know it he's saying that we call what M's done 'verbal abuse'. I mean come on. There's no such thing as verbal abuse where i come from and even if there was she doesn't scream and cuss at me. I have friends that go through so much worse. I didn't even tell him that much and he's throwing around crap like that. Guess what though i didn't try to explain that to him because anything i argued he blamed it on the fact that i didn't want to face it all myself so i used the whole she's not my parent thing. It worked because it is true. Anyway long story short i have to see him every Tuesday. At least he promised not to tell. See verbal abuse isn't real for people like me, or at least not in a case like me, because if i was really abused he would be required by law to tell. Haha i win T*.



*Hereby name of shrink.

Browse Inside The Vampire Diaries: The Return: Shadow Souls by L. J. Smith

Browse Inside The Vampire Diaries: The Return: Shadow Souls by L. J. Smith

Computer Science

I absolutely hate computer science!! It's the stupidiest class in the world!! Nothing makes sense. I swear after just four classes of it i have an all new respect for computer programmers. I mean i always respected what they did because i knew i couldn't ever do it but it's like a foreign language to me. Like Latin with a really bad teacher. You don't have anybody that speaks it and if you do they don't speak your language so you can understand them when they explain it. I swear just let the people have their jobs and let us pay them and don't require it anywhere. We're in a bad enough situation without taking jobs from people. So you see they should just let me drop the class and move on with life in my happy world where computers are magic and when they mess up i take them to the people that can fix the magical machine. Now it's just not magic and i'm too stupid to fix it so i take it to those ppl b/c i can't pass my classes. :( much sadder life.

Nothing

So tomorrow's thursday. I have one class and i can't decide whether i'm pumped that i just have one or whether it's going to make it worse that i only have one and the rest of the time i just have everything else to worry about. Friday it will around seven before my parents get here even though everybody else will get to leave after their classes end. So i'll have four hours with nothing to do. I'll get a lot of Subway and cokes i guess and give them to Daddy and Tony. I have a meeting with a professor tomorrow at four to discuss her research on Autism and whether i want to help her. I think i do because of my closeness to it. I just hope that she's willing to work with me when she finds out that i'm so young and naive.
There's really nothing to talk about for today except for that i'm tired and my back's still killing me. Oh and that doctors are idiots but i don't want to get into that because my heads killing me already and if i get into it my head will get worse. So i'll just sign off with this... Doctors are quacks.