A weekend with them and i did it. she thought to herself as she ate her grapes in her dorm room. Maybe i can do this. she smiled at the thought.
I know you can. the good voice smiled, Your roommate will be here soon and you'll be able to tell her all about...
No no i won't. she quickly interrupted the voice in it's tracks, She can't know what i did. She can't know i'm that weak. She'll worry. She'll watch for me to eat. She'll make me stay with her after i eat...
Maybe that's what you need. the good voice whispered.
Maybe what i need is a head to myself and you to just shut up!! she was so strong about it it came out loud.
"What's wrong?" her suit mate asked.
"Nothing." she shook her head.
"You know i'm here if you need me right." she promised.
"Yeah i know."
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
30 day challenge 2
After i finally get done with this 30 day challenge i will move on to the one my sister wanted me to turn the first one into.
1) do everything in you did in 30 day challenge 1
2) Pick one person you just can't stand. (easy?)
3) For the next 30 days beside your first compliment you give yourself in the morning give them a compliment.
a) you cannot repeat compliments.
b) if you say something bad about that person no matter what they did or what you said about them give them 3 compliments.
It's easy to be P*ed and mean but can you be nice and kill them by that? There's the real challenge.
1) do everything in you did in 30 day challenge 1
2) Pick one person you just can't stand. (easy?)
3) For the next 30 days beside your first compliment you give yourself in the morning give them a compliment.
a) you cannot repeat compliments.
b) if you say something bad about that person no matter what they did or what you said about them give them 3 compliments.
It's easy to be P*ed and mean but can you be nice and kill them by that? There's the real challenge.
30 day challenge
So you've probably heard of the 30 day challenge on facebook. My 30 day challenge is different. I've always been told and told my friends that it doesn't matter what everybody else says it matters what you think about what yourself. Well I've been feeling like a hypocrite I knew i didn't feel as good about myself as i should and maybe that's why i've been moving towards this to hell with the world attitude.
Well i've come up with a challenge to myself and to anybody that wants to take it. I call it a 30 day challenge because i thought it would be easy. The rules are:
1) you will look at yourself in the mirror and give yourself a compliment with nothing attatched to it. For example: I look good in my jeans when i'm not bloated. or I look good in my jeans but i'd look better if...
2) If anybody says anything bad about you give yourself two compliments and throughout the day you cannot repeat compliments.
3) If you think or say something bad about yourself or somebody else give yourself or that person three compliments (again no repeating throughout the day)
4) If for some reason you fail to be able to come up with a compliment or follow the rules one day you have to start over at day one.
I started the fourth and guess what i'm at day one. The farthest i've made it is day 3. I suggest putting your compliments you've used over the month someplace you can see them just the one you use at the beginning of the day so that when you see them you can read over them and you'll have a boost of self-esteem. :)
Well i've come up with a challenge to myself and to anybody that wants to take it. I call it a 30 day challenge because i thought it would be easy. The rules are:
1) you will look at yourself in the mirror and give yourself a compliment with nothing attatched to it. For example: I look good in my jeans when i'm not bloated. or I look good in my jeans but i'd look better if...
2) If anybody says anything bad about you give yourself two compliments and throughout the day you cannot repeat compliments.
3) If you think or say something bad about yourself or somebody else give yourself or that person three compliments (again no repeating throughout the day)
4) If for some reason you fail to be able to come up with a compliment or follow the rules one day you have to start over at day one.
I started the fourth and guess what i'm at day one. The farthest i've made it is day 3. I suggest putting your compliments you've used over the month someplace you can see them just the one you use at the beginning of the day so that when you see them you can read over them and you'll have a boost of self-esteem. :)
Friday, January 7, 2011
You can't
'You have to eat. she told herself, Eat everything in the room.' She continued, 'You lost too much weight over Winter Break. How could you lose that much control?'
'You know you can't eat that. Look at yourself.' The voice inside her whispered, 'Look at the double chin your working on. Those rolls on your stomach...' She felt herself giving in and tasted the vomit already in her mouth. It was a reflex again. She simply walked to the sink and let the vomit that had came to her mouth out.
'Don't do it.' The voice she hadn't heard in months came back. The one that only came when she wanted to fight this.
'Do what?' The evil voice asked, 'Stop herself from getting any fatter? Make her mother stop calling her fat? Make it where one day a guy might look at her because she won't look so disgusting?' She felt more vomit coming but now that the good voice was here again she knew she'd have to make the choice before it came.
'Don't.' the good voice whispered, 'Just because you lost control again doesn't mean you can't get back under control before somebody finds out and all your dreams are ruined because of her.' By 'her' she knew the good voice meant the bad voice.
'We all know that your dreams can't come true unless you can get a guy. You want to get married and have children. You can't even have your own children what's the chance a guy's going to want you if you can't have your own children and you look like that?'
'You can't do this. You can't keep doing this to yourself.' the good voice whispered and she felt a tear fall down her face as she got closer to her decision.
'You can't go without it. You have to lose the thirty pounds and we all know diets don't work for you.' the evil voice said, 'I'm not evil i'm your friend.' it reminded her, 'We all feel better when you do it too.'
She finally made her very difficult decision.
'You can't!!!' she heard as the other voice faded.
'You know you can't eat that. Look at yourself.' The voice inside her whispered, 'Look at the double chin your working on. Those rolls on your stomach...' She felt herself giving in and tasted the vomit already in her mouth. It was a reflex again. She simply walked to the sink and let the vomit that had came to her mouth out.
'Don't do it.' The voice she hadn't heard in months came back. The one that only came when she wanted to fight this.
'Do what?' The evil voice asked, 'Stop herself from getting any fatter? Make her mother stop calling her fat? Make it where one day a guy might look at her because she won't look so disgusting?' She felt more vomit coming but now that the good voice was here again she knew she'd have to make the choice before it came.
'Don't.' the good voice whispered, 'Just because you lost control again doesn't mean you can't get back under control before somebody finds out and all your dreams are ruined because of her.' By 'her' she knew the good voice meant the bad voice.
'We all know that your dreams can't come true unless you can get a guy. You want to get married and have children. You can't even have your own children what's the chance a guy's going to want you if you can't have your own children and you look like that?'
'You can't do this. You can't keep doing this to yourself.' the good voice whispered and she felt a tear fall down her face as she got closer to her decision.
'You can't go without it. You have to lose the thirty pounds and we all know diets don't work for you.' the evil voice said, 'I'm not evil i'm your friend.' it reminded her, 'We all feel better when you do it too.'
She finally made her very difficult decision.
'You can't!!!' she heard as the other voice faded.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
More old Journal entries...
I quit. I'm stopping trying to get this family happy i'll play the act and deal with the fact that everyone has problems with everyone else and that won't change i'll do my chores let K* know that next time she has her bags packed that she should just leave and I'll follow soon enough. It's bad that a silly thing of finger nail polish has brought me to this but i guess that it was the last I could take of it. I just exploded and had a change of mind but it's over. My little optomistic self has had it. It should be counted as abuse because i would rather they hit me it would hurt less and then a judge would let me get an emancipation plus i could run away without people asking if i was nuts.
That entry i do remember it was one of the first times mother threw the word slut into the equation. Apparently my fingernail polish had made me slutty and she wasn't going to deal with it. Almost three years ago and i still remember it...
...I wish i could live someplace where my parents didn't make me cry almost everyday. Where they didn't make me feel horrible or fantasize about an emancipation. I'd be happier then. I just have to remember it'll be over soon...
...K* and Matt are going to go support me in mathcounts by being at the awards ceremony. I hope we do good because this will be the first time anyone comes to support me in anything...
...It's felt like Spring since late last week. It's going to get cold though. I got my script for the play today. Rosemary's fun to play i get to be the total opposite of normal. I get to yell at people and be snobby and order people around...
...I don't know what's wrong with me i'm always sleepy, I cramp, and i crave then want to throw up...
...Saturday Mom told me i had to go into the medical field or she wouldn't pay for any of my schooling. I always wanted to be a psychiatrist but Mom says that doesn't pay enough; I'd have to be a psychologist...
...If pictures say i cared enough to stop and look at you then why are the only pictures of us kids that Mom and Daddy took of us when we were little bitty...
...I had more fun in one night than i had all year in this school... I can't wait until next year...
...Today was the best in a while. Friday was the funnest night but today was the best day all put together that i've had in a long, long, long time...
That entry i do remember it was one of the first times mother threw the word slut into the equation. Apparently my fingernail polish had made me slutty and she wasn't going to deal with it. Almost three years ago and i still remember it...
...I wish i could live someplace where my parents didn't make me cry almost everyday. Where they didn't make me feel horrible or fantasize about an emancipation. I'd be happier then. I just have to remember it'll be over soon...
...K* and Matt are going to go support me in mathcounts by being at the awards ceremony. I hope we do good because this will be the first time anyone comes to support me in anything...
...It's felt like Spring since late last week. It's going to get cold though. I got my script for the play today. Rosemary's fun to play i get to be the total opposite of normal. I get to yell at people and be snobby and order people around...
...I don't know what's wrong with me i'm always sleepy, I cramp, and i crave then want to throw up...
...Saturday Mom told me i had to go into the medical field or she wouldn't pay for any of my schooling. I always wanted to be a psychiatrist but Mom says that doesn't pay enough; I'd have to be a psychologist...
...If pictures say i cared enough to stop and look at you then why are the only pictures of us kids that Mom and Daddy took of us when we were little bitty...
...I had more fun in one night than i had all year in this school... I can't wait until next year...
...Today was the best in a while. Friday was the funnest night but today was the best day all put together that i've had in a long, long, long time...
Old Journals...
Sorry I've been at my Folks house for the past couple weeks. Anyway I've been reading my past journals and i found this entry and it hit me hard:
I'm so stupid. I can't believe i let them get my hopes up again just to crash them down that's like the 6th time since i started trying to make me happy and forget about what they want. I'm just going to go back to my old self the one that forgot about them and made everyone else happy they didn't get crushed. I should have listened to K* and never told them i wanted to go to boarding school because i ended up finding one that's perfect getting my hopes up, crushed, up, crushed, up, crushed. Well guess what? I'm done. I give up. This pleasing yourself stuff doesn't work when you're thirteen and just starting. No more boarding school, no more hopes, no more asking, no more trying to find me it's done, there isn't a me. I have to get over it. Out of my mind forever.
I can't believe i forgot about that time. I can't believe i forgot the day that i lost myself. Have i gained myself back? Have i found me again? Do i believe that there is a me? Maybe those are the questions i should have been asking P* instead of just: Why am i so angry? Why does everybody do this to me?
The real question is: Why do i let them do this to me? Why have i always let them do this to me? Why do i do this to me?
I'm so stupid. I can't believe i let them get my hopes up again just to crash them down that's like the 6th time since i started trying to make me happy and forget about what they want. I'm just going to go back to my old self the one that forgot about them and made everyone else happy they didn't get crushed. I should have listened to K* and never told them i wanted to go to boarding school because i ended up finding one that's perfect getting my hopes up, crushed, up, crushed, up, crushed. Well guess what? I'm done. I give up. This pleasing yourself stuff doesn't work when you're thirteen and just starting. No more boarding school, no more hopes, no more asking, no more trying to find me it's done, there isn't a me. I have to get over it. Out of my mind forever.
I can't believe i forgot about that time. I can't believe i forgot the day that i lost myself. Have i gained myself back? Have i found me again? Do i believe that there is a me? Maybe those are the questions i should have been asking P* instead of just: Why am i so angry? Why does everybody do this to me?
The real question is: Why do i let them do this to me? Why have i always let them do this to me? Why do i do this to me?
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