ready for the weekend

I'm ready for the weekend. I don't think i've ever been so ready for the weekend in my life. This week has been so slow and painful it's not funny. It's hard to constantly pretend that you feel perfectly fine and sometimes people see through it and ask what's wrong. I change the subject and force myself to become overly excited for a while then but the truth is i'm only getting worse. I'm getting more tired and i can't sleep at nights. My work is piling up on me and i can't keep up with it because it's like i physically can't focus on anything but the pain at times when it gets really bad. At the worst my back starts to spasm on me along with everything normal and i'm having to ration my medicine to last me until Friday. I'm glad that when i wake up it will be Wednesday and then it will all be downhill. Maybe i just won't come back if the doctor hasn't found a medicine for all of this. I'm crying just at the thought. I can't ever think of that again especially with people around those thoughts are for when i'm alone which is rarely. I'm not sure if that's a blessing or curse right now though.

Life sometimes just Sux

So today i found my classes today and then the guys showed us around campus having fun. One of them was cute in the nerdy way. You know the way that you just knew if you could get him out from underneath his glasses he'd be cute and everybody would see it. Anyway that wasn't the point. The point was that today all in all was a pretty good day except for the fact that i had to hide that i was feeling like crap the entire time. I don't know how I'm going to do this. My head is constantly pounding and my stomach is messing up more than ever. My back hurts too from climbing the hills it usually hurts though and so it's just a progression. I know i sound like I'm just venting but i really just have no idea how I'm going to be able to handle this physically. I mean emotionally I'm doing perfectly I'm making friends I'm forcing myself to still leave the room and get outside and everything but it just keeps getting worse and worse like it has been for the past month. i didn't want to tell Mom because she'd tell me to stay home but maybe i should of because it might have been the right move the way i feel. I can't go home though I've worked my whole life for this one opportunity I'm not throwing it away I'll stay even if it kills me. The doctors can't fix and neither can home. I just wish i still had my sis right here beside me because she's been through this before and understands these thoughts and could help me understand them myself a little more. She's always been there and i need her here when i feel like this.

Lazy

I feel lazy.
So tomorrow is the ropes course and i just want to lay around like the rest get to. You know rest for once. Anyway for some reason i really want to text J now i thought after i got here everything would be like even better not way worse. It's really late so i'll write more later promise.

School

I'm off at school. Started college early this year and super excited for classes to start. Right now we have tons of meetings and even though they are important and everything you can't help but want this week to end and next week to start. The upperclassman move in tomorrow so that will be nice change and will make things new again. Well GTG breakfast then meetings. :)

Sadness

So one of my friends dad's in the hospital. My sister's brother-in-law is still in the hospital. Plus now they say my great grandpa is so bad that he probably has less than a month. It's not fair. I know i shouldn't think like that and that life's not fair but how come my great grandpa that's been able to fight cancer more than once and black lung and even malaria has to die now when there's still 'bad' people out there. I know my great grandpa's not perfect but he's my only grandpa left and i can't lose him. God has his own plans i guess but in this instant i seriously don't see what good could come from this situation. There's too much pain around for everybody to bear. At some point doesn't he have to say that enough is enough?

If I die young

Have you heard the new song by: The Band Perry it goes:

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Oh oh oh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even great, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

And I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I've never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding me hand
There's a boy here in town says he'll love my forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no I'll sell them for a dollar
There worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll here the words I been singin'
Funny when your dead how people start listenin'

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Oh oh

The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when your really gonna need them oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls

Well anyway it got me thinking what would i have to say if i died young. Sure i got into the school that i worked my whole life to get into but you know i realized something that doesn't really mean anything. I mean i always thought it meant everything but the only reason i worked towards it was so that i could get out of my house sooner. So i could leave and so that i could get away from the person that only had horrible things to say about me and from the person that continually chose everything over me. So if i died today what could anybody say in my funeral. She was smart. Wow that's what i worked my whole life for people to be able to describe me as. I never cared about anything else but getting into this school and now that I'm in it i have nothing else to look forward to. Everybody says look into getting into the perfect college but this school already opened that door for me. I have worked my whole life to do something and now that i have it i have no idea what I'm supposed to do with the next sixty years. I guess that's what I'll do. I'll work to find something to say that would make it where if i died and people were to finally start listening to me they'd have something to say. I'll work to actually become somebody and to trust people and like people and everything like that. My new goal right there in print for you.

More on guys joy

Okay so i know i said i hoped that it would be the end of all the boyfriend drama but just to show you what letting my sister read my thoughts and feelings could end up doing I'm going to tell you about what happened today. We were in the car and earlier she'd seen the ex's profile right? Well she thinks he's hot like everybody else does idk maybe I'm just not seeing it in the pics... anyway she tells me i have to tell him that sometime this summer us two her, my brother-in-law, his sister, and whoever his sister is going out with are all going to go out together on a group date. So not only did she ruin my genius plan of getting him off my back she wants to start her's and his sisters (my sister's best friend) plan of getting us married started again. She's convinced he's in love with me still and that if i just gave myself a chance I'd fall in love with him too a load of bologna if you ask me. I mean come on we're sixteen not there's a slim chance that I'm going to be like her and find the guy I'm going to end up with now or even find a guy that i love. Plus i really don't want to love him not in that way maybe in a friend way but not in a more serious way. I HATE commitment!!!

Journals

Okay so I'm staying at my sisters all week and while we were at Wal-Mart she decided she was going to continue on with her idea of us passing our journals to each other even though i hadn't given my opinion yet. So she got these two journals and now she expects me to write down my thoughts in it. Long story short i have two journals now the one for her and the one for me it sounds kind of like the month after the therapist told me to write in one. (By the way therapists are quacks like all doctors and if you're like me they won't work for you if your parents decide to send you to see one) Anyway I'll have the one like I've always had my best friend that i tell everything to and then I'll have the one for her that i tell most things to. But the new one will be judging and have emotions and will probably call and yell at me for some of the stupid things i do or think or refuse to do so it'll be censored. I wish we could all be like God and my diary and be forgiving and never judge harshly. I wish we could all just understand each other then we wouldn't have to worry about what everybody thinks. sigh....

Just sitting here

I'm sitting here watching a movie with my sister. Well the previews before it anyway. We are supposed to decorate purses soon. I know a little kiddie but sometimes i say sometimes you need to do something kiddie. Anyway we're going to watch The Lovely Bones. The book was great and I've heard the movie's pretty good too but different like most are. I guess i'll just sign off and wish you all a great day. lol i just sounded all nice and sweet...

Last Day of School

LAST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!! Not only was today my last day of school but it was my last day of a real high school. I'm completely pumped. Everybody else leaving high school behind seemed to be nervous... i guess i'm just weird then because i'm perfectly happy to be done. Even with it being early i don't think i could be happier to leave. I mean when i left my old school i felt like crying but this time i feel like it's the right thing. I feel no sadness i mean of course there are people i'm going to miss at school but mostly it's just relief to be done with it and get out of all the drama that this school has held. There's a graduation party for one of my friends soon and i'm hoping to go but i'm pretty sure my parentals will go all 'there are guys staying the night' and then shoot it down. I wouldn't tell them but they always figure that stuff out of course i'm pretty sure i'd be more likely to go if they figure out there will be drinking then if they figure out that guys will be staying too. If they figure out both i'll be locked in a tower for even thinking about asking. They have no trust in me at all. forget parties around them maybe i'll ask my sister to take me. (That could work) Parent Alert!!

Finale of Ex-boyfriend post

So on the ex-boyfriend thingy i think it might be solved... it's pretty simple i'm just going to go out on a date with him and make it a group date and only talk to the group. Maybe he'll get the point that i'm too far gone to fix and he'll leave me alone until i'm ready to be fixed. Sadly when i'm ready to be fixed i highly doubt that i'll want my problem to be fixed by him. I know he wants to fix my problem and that's just fine and dandy and all great for him but come on... Maybe i'm not ready... Maybe i'll never be ready...

Guys

Okay so i recently got in touch with my ex-boyfriend. We were on and off again until he moved away in middle school. Now he goes to school close to me and we still have a lot in common right. The problem the same thing that kept me making things off-again. I'm scared of relationships. He doesn't get that though. I'll write more later about it. GTG parent alert!!

So the blogs that should be on my list...

So there's no blogs on my list. The reason... no i'm not ashamed. Some people that i don't want to read this could get on those blogs and then it wouldn't take long for them to figure out that hey I have a blog. Then voila my little way of venting and getting out some stuff without them knowing would be gone. So therefore the blogs that should be on the list are: I.M.P.A.C.T and God is The Way. They are really good. You should give them a try.

So if you've been following the blogs on my list you've heard about the crash. The one with Chris. His brother Matthew happens to be married to my sister. I spend more time talking and enjoying life with them then i do anywhere else and it hurts to know that they're hurting right now. I don't know how to fix their hurt either. I've prayed to God and i've asked others to pray for them but it doesn't seem to be comforting them at all. I mean come on his brother is sitting in the hospital bed in the ICU. Nobody knows what to do. How can anybody fix this? How can anybody help?

Me and my blog

So i just spent time reading my two favorite blogs the one my preacher writes and the one my friend writes. A lot of you probably wonder how in the world i got the idea to write about the stuff i've been writing about if all they write about is getting closer to God. I know that getting closer to God is an important thing to do but to tell the truth i'm not really as good as them at spending my time coming up with genius things to tell people that will make the light bulb go off. I can reply to some things and make people think but around them half the time i just feel simply inadaquate like what's God going to think when i have to stand beside these two in front of him and he asks why didn't you reach as many people as they did? It's not that i don't try it's that my brain doesn't work like that i figure the Ah-ha moments i have with God are just between me and God. They simply feel personal to me.

Just Me.

So it's Mary. I guess this could be kind of like a diary. Nobody knows I'm starting it and i don't really plan on telling very many people if any. I could leave it all alone and just finally have someplace to leave everything. Talk about the 21st century. Well Chris is in the hospital he had a serious wreck this morning. He's in ICU and they aren't sure how bad he is. He's better then he was this morning though. I'm praying that everything turns out alright and if anybody does turn out to be reading this send a prayer up yourself please.