Monday, January 30, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Heading back
I'm heading back to High School Friday. Leaving this world behind and going to be a teenager again. Maybe it will make everything just a little easier for a while.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Getting Stronger
A weekend with them and i did it. she thought to herself as she ate her grapes in her dorm room. Maybe i can do this. she smiled at the thought.
I know you can. the good voice smiled, Your roommate will be here soon and you'll be able to tell her all about...
No no i won't. she quickly interrupted the voice in it's tracks, She can't know what i did. She can't know i'm that weak. She'll worry. She'll watch for me to eat. She'll make me stay with her after i eat...
Maybe that's what you need. the good voice whispered.
Maybe what i need is a head to myself and you to just shut up!! she was so strong about it it came out loud.
"What's wrong?" her suit mate asked.
"Nothing." she shook her head.
"You know i'm here if you need me right." she promised.
"Yeah i know."
I know you can. the good voice smiled, Your roommate will be here soon and you'll be able to tell her all about...
No no i won't. she quickly interrupted the voice in it's tracks, She can't know what i did. She can't know i'm that weak. She'll worry. She'll watch for me to eat. She'll make me stay with her after i eat...
Maybe that's what you need. the good voice whispered.
Maybe what i need is a head to myself and you to just shut up!! she was so strong about it it came out loud.
"What's wrong?" her suit mate asked.
"Nothing." she shook her head.
"You know i'm here if you need me right." she promised.
"Yeah i know."
30 day challenge 2
After i finally get done with this 30 day challenge i will move on to the one my sister wanted me to turn the first one into.
1) do everything in you did in 30 day challenge 1
2) Pick one person you just can't stand. (easy?)
3) For the next 30 days beside your first compliment you give yourself in the morning give them a compliment.
a) you cannot repeat compliments.
b) if you say something bad about that person no matter what they did or what you said about them give them 3 compliments.
It's easy to be P*ed and mean but can you be nice and kill them by that? There's the real challenge.
1) do everything in you did in 30 day challenge 1
2) Pick one person you just can't stand. (easy?)
3) For the next 30 days beside your first compliment you give yourself in the morning give them a compliment.
a) you cannot repeat compliments.
b) if you say something bad about that person no matter what they did or what you said about them give them 3 compliments.
It's easy to be P*ed and mean but can you be nice and kill them by that? There's the real challenge.
30 day challenge
So you've probably heard of the 30 day challenge on facebook. My 30 day challenge is different. I've always been told and told my friends that it doesn't matter what everybody else says it matters what you think about what yourself. Well I've been feeling like a hypocrite I knew i didn't feel as good about myself as i should and maybe that's why i've been moving towards this to hell with the world attitude.
Well i've come up with a challenge to myself and to anybody that wants to take it. I call it a 30 day challenge because i thought it would be easy. The rules are:
1) you will look at yourself in the mirror and give yourself a compliment with nothing attatched to it. For example: I look good in my jeans when i'm not bloated. or I look good in my jeans but i'd look better if...
2) If anybody says anything bad about you give yourself two compliments and throughout the day you cannot repeat compliments.
3) If you think or say something bad about yourself or somebody else give yourself or that person three compliments (again no repeating throughout the day)
4) If for some reason you fail to be able to come up with a compliment or follow the rules one day you have to start over at day one.
I started the fourth and guess what i'm at day one. The farthest i've made it is day 3. I suggest putting your compliments you've used over the month someplace you can see them just the one you use at the beginning of the day so that when you see them you can read over them and you'll have a boost of self-esteem. :)
Well i've come up with a challenge to myself and to anybody that wants to take it. I call it a 30 day challenge because i thought it would be easy. The rules are:
1) you will look at yourself in the mirror and give yourself a compliment with nothing attatched to it. For example: I look good in my jeans when i'm not bloated. or I look good in my jeans but i'd look better if...
2) If anybody says anything bad about you give yourself two compliments and throughout the day you cannot repeat compliments.
3) If you think or say something bad about yourself or somebody else give yourself or that person three compliments (again no repeating throughout the day)
4) If for some reason you fail to be able to come up with a compliment or follow the rules one day you have to start over at day one.
I started the fourth and guess what i'm at day one. The farthest i've made it is day 3. I suggest putting your compliments you've used over the month someplace you can see them just the one you use at the beginning of the day so that when you see them you can read over them and you'll have a boost of self-esteem. :)
Friday, January 7, 2011
You can't
'You have to eat. she told herself, Eat everything in the room.' She continued, 'You lost too much weight over Winter Break. How could you lose that much control?'
'You know you can't eat that. Look at yourself.' The voice inside her whispered, 'Look at the double chin your working on. Those rolls on your stomach...' She felt herself giving in and tasted the vomit already in her mouth. It was a reflex again. She simply walked to the sink and let the vomit that had came to her mouth out.
'Don't do it.' The voice she hadn't heard in months came back. The one that only came when she wanted to fight this.
'Do what?' The evil voice asked, 'Stop herself from getting any fatter? Make her mother stop calling her fat? Make it where one day a guy might look at her because she won't look so disgusting?' She felt more vomit coming but now that the good voice was here again she knew she'd have to make the choice before it came.
'Don't.' the good voice whispered, 'Just because you lost control again doesn't mean you can't get back under control before somebody finds out and all your dreams are ruined because of her.' By 'her' she knew the good voice meant the bad voice.
'We all know that your dreams can't come true unless you can get a guy. You want to get married and have children. You can't even have your own children what's the chance a guy's going to want you if you can't have your own children and you look like that?'
'You can't do this. You can't keep doing this to yourself.' the good voice whispered and she felt a tear fall down her face as she got closer to her decision.
'You can't go without it. You have to lose the thirty pounds and we all know diets don't work for you.' the evil voice said, 'I'm not evil i'm your friend.' it reminded her, 'We all feel better when you do it too.'
She finally made her very difficult decision.
'You can't!!!' she heard as the other voice faded.
'You know you can't eat that. Look at yourself.' The voice inside her whispered, 'Look at the double chin your working on. Those rolls on your stomach...' She felt herself giving in and tasted the vomit already in her mouth. It was a reflex again. She simply walked to the sink and let the vomit that had came to her mouth out.
'Don't do it.' The voice she hadn't heard in months came back. The one that only came when she wanted to fight this.
'Do what?' The evil voice asked, 'Stop herself from getting any fatter? Make her mother stop calling her fat? Make it where one day a guy might look at her because she won't look so disgusting?' She felt more vomit coming but now that the good voice was here again she knew she'd have to make the choice before it came.
'Don't.' the good voice whispered, 'Just because you lost control again doesn't mean you can't get back under control before somebody finds out and all your dreams are ruined because of her.' By 'her' she knew the good voice meant the bad voice.
'We all know that your dreams can't come true unless you can get a guy. You want to get married and have children. You can't even have your own children what's the chance a guy's going to want you if you can't have your own children and you look like that?'
'You can't do this. You can't keep doing this to yourself.' the good voice whispered and she felt a tear fall down her face as she got closer to her decision.
'You can't go without it. You have to lose the thirty pounds and we all know diets don't work for you.' the evil voice said, 'I'm not evil i'm your friend.' it reminded her, 'We all feel better when you do it too.'
She finally made her very difficult decision.
'You can't!!!' she heard as the other voice faded.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
More old Journal entries...
I quit. I'm stopping trying to get this family happy i'll play the act and deal with the fact that everyone has problems with everyone else and that won't change i'll do my chores let K* know that next time she has her bags packed that she should just leave and I'll follow soon enough. It's bad that a silly thing of finger nail polish has brought me to this but i guess that it was the last I could take of it. I just exploded and had a change of mind but it's over. My little optomistic self has had it. It should be counted as abuse because i would rather they hit me it would hurt less and then a judge would let me get an emancipation plus i could run away without people asking if i was nuts.
That entry i do remember it was one of the first times mother threw the word slut into the equation. Apparently my fingernail polish had made me slutty and she wasn't going to deal with it. Almost three years ago and i still remember it...
...I wish i could live someplace where my parents didn't make me cry almost everyday. Where they didn't make me feel horrible or fantasize about an emancipation. I'd be happier then. I just have to remember it'll be over soon...
...K* and Matt are going to go support me in mathcounts by being at the awards ceremony. I hope we do good because this will be the first time anyone comes to support me in anything...
...It's felt like Spring since late last week. It's going to get cold though. I got my script for the play today. Rosemary's fun to play i get to be the total opposite of normal. I get to yell at people and be snobby and order people around...
...I don't know what's wrong with me i'm always sleepy, I cramp, and i crave then want to throw up...
...Saturday Mom told me i had to go into the medical field or she wouldn't pay for any of my schooling. I always wanted to be a psychiatrist but Mom says that doesn't pay enough; I'd have to be a psychologist...
...If pictures say i cared enough to stop and look at you then why are the only pictures of us kids that Mom and Daddy took of us when we were little bitty...
...I had more fun in one night than i had all year in this school... I can't wait until next year...
...Today was the best in a while. Friday was the funnest night but today was the best day all put together that i've had in a long, long, long time...
That entry i do remember it was one of the first times mother threw the word slut into the equation. Apparently my fingernail polish had made me slutty and she wasn't going to deal with it. Almost three years ago and i still remember it...
...I wish i could live someplace where my parents didn't make me cry almost everyday. Where they didn't make me feel horrible or fantasize about an emancipation. I'd be happier then. I just have to remember it'll be over soon...
...K* and Matt are going to go support me in mathcounts by being at the awards ceremony. I hope we do good because this will be the first time anyone comes to support me in anything...
...It's felt like Spring since late last week. It's going to get cold though. I got my script for the play today. Rosemary's fun to play i get to be the total opposite of normal. I get to yell at people and be snobby and order people around...
...I don't know what's wrong with me i'm always sleepy, I cramp, and i crave then want to throw up...
...Saturday Mom told me i had to go into the medical field or she wouldn't pay for any of my schooling. I always wanted to be a psychiatrist but Mom says that doesn't pay enough; I'd have to be a psychologist...
...If pictures say i cared enough to stop and look at you then why are the only pictures of us kids that Mom and Daddy took of us when we were little bitty...
...I had more fun in one night than i had all year in this school... I can't wait until next year...
...Today was the best in a while. Friday was the funnest night but today was the best day all put together that i've had in a long, long, long time...
Old Journals...
Sorry I've been at my Folks house for the past couple weeks. Anyway I've been reading my past journals and i found this entry and it hit me hard:
I'm so stupid. I can't believe i let them get my hopes up again just to crash them down that's like the 6th time since i started trying to make me happy and forget about what they want. I'm just going to go back to my old self the one that forgot about them and made everyone else happy they didn't get crushed. I should have listened to K* and never told them i wanted to go to boarding school because i ended up finding one that's perfect getting my hopes up, crushed, up, crushed, up, crushed. Well guess what? I'm done. I give up. This pleasing yourself stuff doesn't work when you're thirteen and just starting. No more boarding school, no more hopes, no more asking, no more trying to find me it's done, there isn't a me. I have to get over it. Out of my mind forever.
I can't believe i forgot about that time. I can't believe i forgot the day that i lost myself. Have i gained myself back? Have i found me again? Do i believe that there is a me? Maybe those are the questions i should have been asking P* instead of just: Why am i so angry? Why does everybody do this to me?
The real question is: Why do i let them do this to me? Why have i always let them do this to me? Why do i do this to me?
I'm so stupid. I can't believe i let them get my hopes up again just to crash them down that's like the 6th time since i started trying to make me happy and forget about what they want. I'm just going to go back to my old self the one that forgot about them and made everyone else happy they didn't get crushed. I should have listened to K* and never told them i wanted to go to boarding school because i ended up finding one that's perfect getting my hopes up, crushed, up, crushed, up, crushed. Well guess what? I'm done. I give up. This pleasing yourself stuff doesn't work when you're thirteen and just starting. No more boarding school, no more hopes, no more asking, no more trying to find me it's done, there isn't a me. I have to get over it. Out of my mind forever.
I can't believe i forgot about that time. I can't believe i forgot the day that i lost myself. Have i gained myself back? Have i found me again? Do i believe that there is a me? Maybe those are the questions i should have been asking P* instead of just: Why am i so angry? Why does everybody do this to me?
The real question is: Why do i let them do this to me? Why have i always let them do this to me? Why do i do this to me?
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
What do i think?
So i'm about to go see P* and he's going to ask me these questions that i've tried to avoid all week:
1) Can you accept the situation?
2) Are you willing to adapt to the situation?
3)What about FORGIVENESS????
4)Timing?
I know the answer to all of them and he's not going to like it. Actually the thing that scares me most is he's probably going to like it a lot and i ate already today. I still have no idea about any of those questions. Anytime i think about them i shut down. My mind refuses to think about them any further then i have two years and then it will all be over anyway.
Well i've gtg time for my meeting. Wish me luck you know shrinks.
I just hope he doesn't find out anymore secrets today...
More later.
Loves you lots.
1) Can you accept the situation?
2) Are you willing to adapt to the situation?
3)What about FORGIVENESS????
4)Timing?
I know the answer to all of them and he's not going to like it. Actually the thing that scares me most is he's probably going to like it a lot and i ate already today. I still have no idea about any of those questions. Anytime i think about them i shut down. My mind refuses to think about them any further then i have two years and then it will all be over anyway.
Well i've gtg time for my meeting. Wish me luck you know shrinks.
I just hope he doesn't find out anymore secrets today...
More later.
Loves you lots.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Under Control
Went back home again
This sucks gotta pack up and leave again
Say goodbye to all my friends
Can't say when I'll be there again
It's time now to turn around
Turn my back on everything
Turn my back on everything...
Everything's changing when I turn around
All out of my control, I'm a mobile
Everything's changing when I turn around
All out of my control, I'm a mobile
mmm...yeahh
Start back at this life
Stretch myself back into the vibe
I'm waking up to say I've tried
Instead of waking up to another T.V. Guide
It's time now to turn around
Turn and walk on this crazy ground
Oh, oh
Everything's changing when I turn around
All out of my control, I'm a mobile
Everything's changing Out of what I know
everywhere I go, I'm a mobile
Yeah, everywhere I go I'm a mobile
Hanging from the ceiling
Life's a mobile
Spinning 'round with mixed feelings
Crazy and wild
Sometimes I wanna scream out loud...
Everything's changing
Everywhere I go
Out of what I know...
Everything's changing
Everywhere I go
Out of what I know
Yeah, yeah, yeah
La, la, la, la, la, la, la la la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la la la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la la la
La, la, la, la, la, la
Everything's changing
When I turn around
All out of my control, I'm a mobile
Everything's changing
Out of what I know
Everywhere I go, I'm a mobile
Everywhere I go, I'm a mobile
- Mobile by Avril Lavigne
Sometimes i think i understand that song. Life's out of control most of the time. Just as fast as i get it under control it gets out of control. I thought for just an hour i had everything under control without any drama. I'd gone off on T.P and i was hanging out with M.A.W and B.N and B.H and R.B and even A.J.W but then curfew hit and i came back to the room...
At first it was great kind of like a break up i found the things I'd let her borrow on my bed and i thought she'd finally gotten the point that I'd given up on her... No though she came in a few minutes later talking about the car she'd wrecked. When she left she told us we needed to go to bed too... it was only 12 and she's not our mother anyway she's 17. It wouldn't surprise me if she had a couple kids though. See my life went from perfect under control to I'm standing on the edge of a cliff under control for me again.
i think i'm getting used to this under control though. I can get used to anything after all it's like Daddy says i'm a fighter like him and what doesn't kill us will make us stronger. I'll never quit anything no matter what!
Some people might say i should quit a few things i do but i don't think there's anything wrong with what i do so they should keep their mouths shut!
This sucks gotta pack up and leave again
Say goodbye to all my friends
Can't say when I'll be there again
It's time now to turn around
Turn my back on everything
Turn my back on everything...
Everything's changing when I turn around
All out of my control, I'm a mobile
Everything's changing when I turn around
All out of my control, I'm a mobile
mmm...yeahh
Start back at this life
Stretch myself back into the vibe
I'm waking up to say I've tried
Instead of waking up to another T.V. Guide
It's time now to turn around
Turn and walk on this crazy ground
Oh, oh
Everything's changing when I turn around
All out of my control, I'm a mobile
Everything's changing Out of what I know
everywhere I go, I'm a mobile
Yeah, everywhere I go I'm a mobile
Hanging from the ceiling
Life's a mobile
Spinning 'round with mixed feelings
Crazy and wild
Sometimes I wanna scream out loud...
Everything's changing
Everywhere I go
Out of what I know...
Everything's changing
Everywhere I go
Out of what I know
Yeah, yeah, yeah
La, la, la, la, la, la, la la la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la la la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la la la
La, la, la, la, la, la
Everything's changing
When I turn around
All out of my control, I'm a mobile
Everything's changing
Out of what I know
Everywhere I go, I'm a mobile
Everywhere I go, I'm a mobile
- Mobile by Avril Lavigne
Sometimes i think i understand that song. Life's out of control most of the time. Just as fast as i get it under control it gets out of control. I thought for just an hour i had everything under control without any drama. I'd gone off on T.P and i was hanging out with M.A.W and B.N and B.H and R.B and even A.J.W but then curfew hit and i came back to the room...
At first it was great kind of like a break up i found the things I'd let her borrow on my bed and i thought she'd finally gotten the point that I'd given up on her... No though she came in a few minutes later talking about the car she'd wrecked. When she left she told us we needed to go to bed too... it was only 12 and she's not our mother anyway she's 17. It wouldn't surprise me if she had a couple kids though. See my life went from perfect under control to I'm standing on the edge of a cliff under control for me again.
i think i'm getting used to this under control though. I can get used to anything after all it's like Daddy says i'm a fighter like him and what doesn't kill us will make us stronger. I'll never quit anything no matter what!
Some people might say i should quit a few things i do but i don't think there's anything wrong with what i do so they should keep their mouths shut!
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Computer Science
It's the most stupid thing ever created. I mean i really appreciate the people that can do it but for everybody else join the club of us illiterates that can't and don't make us take the stupid class. Leave it open for people who have a chance or at least want to know how to program computers. For the rest of us let us continue to use our magical screens and take it to those magicians when it breaks. There's no reason for this to be a required class it has no bearing on whether i can type or do anything else in any other field besides computer programming or if it has a bearing and we don't want to learn it guess what... we'll change majors and career fields or suddenly want to learn. That's how i see things and i don't think any amount of talking is going to change that.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
dealing
I'm learning to deal with slutty friends and ex's that i'm not sure should stay in the past. The problem with it then? THe slutty friends can't keep their paws off my ex and i'm not even mad at him. I'm ticked at her though. I mean at least he had had the decesency to tell me that he wasn't going to listen but she just dolzl ms
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
I only wish
I wish I knew how to show I cared. I mean my sis and I always just knew. Now though I'm someplace new and the few friends I'm making don't just know. I don't know how to show it though. I know how to write love stories and I know that I have been shown it by very few people and never taught how. So how do I show these people that I care? How do I get back the popularity that I'm so used to? The popularity that made me the person I was? I don't have any of that here and I don't even know how to show the people that are willing to deal with my absolute knowing of nothing that I care when they are hurt.
Do you have anything you need to say?
No she says while thinking Just let me out of here now please I need to leave
I just want to make sure you get to say everything you want to I feel like I just lecture you every week
Just let me out here her thoughts continue to beg
Well then let's hug it out.
Let's just leave before I go crazy. Her thoughts beg as she pretty much runs out after his hug. I can't believe I forgot it in the room. I'm going to do something stupid without it. I knew I shouldn't have taken it off before going down. I'm going to start wearing three again. She lets out a sigh as she walks into her room and puts it on. She lets a quick snap hit her wrist and all the tension caused by the meeting starts to go away. Thank goodness I wasn't too late. She thinks as she lets another snap go and continues until she relaxes.
This isn't me. She thinks as she sits on the bed. I'm the girl that can go places without having these things attached to me so that I can get rid of all these stupid feelings. I'm the perfect child that my parents had. I'm the child that did whatever they wanted. I'm not this person. I'm not this girl. I'm not the girl that sees this guy every week. This isn't me so just relax. Snap goes the band bringing her to the reality that the perfect girl only is reality to other people to her this is reality on a good day...
No she says while thinking Just let me out of here now please I need to leave
I just want to make sure you get to say everything you want to I feel like I just lecture you every week
Just let me out here her thoughts continue to beg
Well then let's hug it out.
Let's just leave before I go crazy. Her thoughts beg as she pretty much runs out after his hug. I can't believe I forgot it in the room. I'm going to do something stupid without it. I knew I shouldn't have taken it off before going down. I'm going to start wearing three again. She lets out a sigh as she walks into her room and puts it on. She lets a quick snap hit her wrist and all the tension caused by the meeting starts to go away. Thank goodness I wasn't too late. She thinks as she lets another snap go and continues until she relaxes.
This isn't me. She thinks as she sits on the bed. I'm the girl that can go places without having these things attached to me so that I can get rid of all these stupid feelings. I'm the perfect child that my parents had. I'm the child that did whatever they wanted. I'm not this person. I'm not this girl. I'm not the girl that sees this guy every week. This isn't me so just relax. Snap goes the band bringing her to the reality that the perfect girl only is reality to other people to her this is reality on a good day...
Monday, September 27, 2010
Just give in?
Just give in the voice says inside my head. They'll never know. It'll be between the two of us just like it used to be. Nobody found out then. It made us both feel better. We could function. We slept at night. There weren't as many headaches. Just give in. It's easier.
Don't give in. Another voice chants. We don't take the easy way. Think of all the hurt it could do in the long run.
Think of how much better you'll look. The first voice interrupts.
It's not us.
We could just do it until we weren't fat anymore. I start to compromise with the voices.
It won't stop there. The second voice reminds me. It never stops there it doesn't stop until somebody starts to narc.
Remember how easy it used to be to get away from everything? The first voice asks softly like it was a comfort and I feel a pain as the want becomes even more.
Don't do this... the second voice begs
Just to get everything to go away... the first voice reminds me at the same time as their voices fade away.
What will i do? It's always the question I'm left with.
Don't give in. Another voice chants. We don't take the easy way. Think of all the hurt it could do in the long run.
Think of how much better you'll look. The first voice interrupts.
It's not us.
We could just do it until we weren't fat anymore. I start to compromise with the voices.
It won't stop there. The second voice reminds me. It never stops there it doesn't stop until somebody starts to narc.
Remember how easy it used to be to get away from everything? The first voice asks softly like it was a comfort and I feel a pain as the want becomes even more.
Don't do this... the second voice begs
Just to get everything to go away... the first voice reminds me at the same time as their voices fade away.
What will i do? It's always the question I'm left with.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Learned Helplessness
So another session with T. I have to keep a dream journal because apparently i don't remember my dreams because i don't want to. I'm apparently dealing with things in my subconscious that my consciousness pushes down as soon as it gets the ability to do so. The result? I have to deal with the issues in my consciousness by writing the dreams down before i push them away and then decoding them with T. If T hadn't assured me the dreams were going to be horrible and full of all the feelings crap that i hate then i'd actually be happy about starting. It'd be fun to learn about dreams now that i actually get them too bad they're horrible and weird. Maybe my dream catchers will work and keep them a little calmer like they have been. That'd be so nice. I doubt it will though.
Oh Learned Helplessness... right... that's the term of the week T taught me. Apparently that's what's going on with me. It's what's wrong with my self-esteem. I've been taught that i'm helpless and i've been in a horrible situation for so long that i don't know how to get out. So now that i've been brought to the possibility of an out i have no idea how to react. He explained it with the lab. A scientist had a dog and in one part of the cage the floor was concrete and every couple minutes the scientist would shock the dog but there was a door to the other side of the cage with a glass wall. The other side had pillows and carpets and was just all nice and cozy where the dog could nap and relax in a happy friendly atmosphere. So for the first couple times the gate was open and the dog would yelp when shocked and run into the comfy room. Then the scientist stuck the dog into the torture room and shut the door. Then when the shocking started the dog went crazy trying to find the way into the comfy room. After a while the dog gave up and just laid down becoming accustomed to the shocks. Then the scientist opened the gate back up to see what would happen...
The dog stayed laying down. Even when the scientist turned the shocks off for a while and then turned them back on the dog just stayed in the same spot a couple steps away from comfy cozy safety. That's Learned Helplessness because the dog had learned that the shocks were what it was supposed to get and what it needed. It didn't know how to get to the other side.
It translates to humans in abusive relationships or any bad situation if you're in it long enough you'll get Learned Helplessness so get out now! Before it's too late!!
Oh Learned Helplessness... right... that's the term of the week T taught me. Apparently that's what's going on with me. It's what's wrong with my self-esteem. I've been taught that i'm helpless and i've been in a horrible situation for so long that i don't know how to get out. So now that i've been brought to the possibility of an out i have no idea how to react. He explained it with the lab. A scientist had a dog and in one part of the cage the floor was concrete and every couple minutes the scientist would shock the dog but there was a door to the other side of the cage with a glass wall. The other side had pillows and carpets and was just all nice and cozy where the dog could nap and relax in a happy friendly atmosphere. So for the first couple times the gate was open and the dog would yelp when shocked and run into the comfy room. Then the scientist stuck the dog into the torture room and shut the door. Then when the shocking started the dog went crazy trying to find the way into the comfy room. After a while the dog gave up and just laid down becoming accustomed to the shocks. Then the scientist opened the gate back up to see what would happen...
The dog stayed laying down. Even when the scientist turned the shocks off for a while and then turned them back on the dog just stayed in the same spot a couple steps away from comfy cozy safety. That's Learned Helplessness because the dog had learned that the shocks were what it was supposed to get and what it needed. It didn't know how to get to the other side.
It translates to humans in abusive relationships or any bad situation if you're in it long enough you'll get Learned Helplessness so get out now! Before it's too late!!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Miracles
So my sister was in wreck. It's a miracle she's alive. I'm serious if you were to see the pictures of the car you'd understand. I would post them but... well if you're close enough to me to be a friend on facebook you've probably seen them. Anyway it's just a great time to thank God for her and for keeping her in my life.
Abuse?
So i'm at school now as you all know. They have this shrink though and we are all required to see him at least once. I happened to see him right after i got off the phone with M. Naturally i was ticked because she hadn't done the things she'd promised me to do but was doing everything for everybody else. Big surprise why would she do anything for the slut that ruined her life and marriage? Anyway when i get that way and anybody forces me to talk about M and D i have no control over what i say. Before i know it he's saying that we call what M's done 'verbal abuse'. I mean come on. There's no such thing as verbal abuse where i come from and even if there was she doesn't scream and cuss at me. I have friends that go through so much worse. I didn't even tell him that much and he's throwing around crap like that. Guess what though i didn't try to explain that to him because anything i argued he blamed it on the fact that i didn't want to face it all myself so i used the whole she's not my parent thing. It worked because it is true. Anyway long story short i have to see him every Tuesday. At least he promised not to tell. See verbal abuse isn't real for people like me, or at least not in a case like me, because if i was really abused he would be required by law to tell. Haha i win T*.
*Hereby name of shrink.
*Hereby name of shrink.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Computer Science
I absolutely hate computer science!! It's the stupidiest class in the world!! Nothing makes sense. I swear after just four classes of it i have an all new respect for computer programmers. I mean i always respected what they did because i knew i couldn't ever do it but it's like a foreign language to me. Like Latin with a really bad teacher. You don't have anybody that speaks it and if you do they don't speak your language so you can understand them when they explain it. I swear just let the people have their jobs and let us pay them and don't require it anywhere. We're in a bad enough situation without taking jobs from people. So you see they should just let me drop the class and move on with life in my happy world where computers are magic and when they mess up i take them to the people that can fix the magical machine. Now it's just not magic and i'm too stupid to fix it so i take it to those ppl b/c i can't pass my classes. :( much sadder life.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Nothing
So tomorrow's thursday. I have one class and i can't decide whether i'm pumped that i just have one or whether it's going to make it worse that i only have one and the rest of the time i just have everything else to worry about. Friday it will around seven before my parents get here even though everybody else will get to leave after their classes end. So i'll have four hours with nothing to do. I'll get a lot of Subway and cokes i guess and give them to Daddy and Tony. I have a meeting with a professor tomorrow at four to discuss her research on Autism and whether i want to help her. I think i do because of my closeness to it. I just hope that she's willing to work with me when she finds out that i'm so young and naive.
There's really nothing to talk about for today except for that i'm tired and my back's still killing me. Oh and that doctors are idiots but i don't want to get into that because my heads killing me already and if i get into it my head will get worse. So i'll just sign off with this... Doctors are quacks.
There's really nothing to talk about for today except for that i'm tired and my back's still killing me. Oh and that doctors are idiots but i don't want to get into that because my heads killing me already and if i get into it my head will get worse. So i'll just sign off with this... Doctors are quacks.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
ready for the weekend
I'm ready for the weekend. I don't think i've ever been so ready for the weekend in my life. This week has been so slow and painful it's not funny. It's hard to constantly pretend that you feel perfectly fine and sometimes people see through it and ask what's wrong. I change the subject and force myself to become overly excited for a while then but the truth is i'm only getting worse. I'm getting more tired and i can't sleep at nights. My work is piling up on me and i can't keep up with it because it's like i physically can't focus on anything but the pain at times when it gets really bad. At the worst my back starts to spasm on me along with everything normal and i'm having to ration my medicine to last me until Friday. I'm glad that when i wake up it will be Wednesday and then it will all be downhill. Maybe i just won't come back if the doctor hasn't found a medicine for all of this. I'm crying just at the thought. I can't ever think of that again especially with people around those thoughts are for when i'm alone which is rarely. I'm not sure if that's a blessing or curse right now though.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Life sometimes just Sux
So today i found my classes today and then the guys showed us around campus having fun. One of them was cute in the nerdy way. You know the way that you just knew if you could get him out from underneath his glasses he'd be cute and everybody would see it. Anyway that wasn't the point. The point was that today all in all was a pretty good day except for the fact that i had to hide that i was feeling like crap the entire time. I don't know how I'm going to do this. My head is constantly pounding and my stomach is messing up more than ever. My back hurts too from climbing the hills it usually hurts though and so it's just a progression. I know i sound like I'm just venting but i really just have no idea how I'm going to be able to handle this physically. I mean emotionally I'm doing perfectly I'm making friends I'm forcing myself to still leave the room and get outside and everything but it just keeps getting worse and worse like it has been for the past month. i didn't want to tell Mom because she'd tell me to stay home but maybe i should of because it might have been the right move the way i feel. I can't go home though I've worked my whole life for this one opportunity I'm not throwing it away I'll stay even if it kills me. The doctors can't fix and neither can home. I just wish i still had my sis right here beside me because she's been through this before and understands these thoughts and could help me understand them myself a little more. She's always been there and i need her here when i feel like this.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Lazy
I feel lazy.
So tomorrow is the ropes course and i just want to lay around like the rest get to. You know rest for once. Anyway for some reason i really want to text J now i thought after i got here everything would be like even better not way worse. It's really late so i'll write more later promise.
So tomorrow is the ropes course and i just want to lay around like the rest get to. You know rest for once. Anyway for some reason i really want to text J now i thought after i got here everything would be like even better not way worse. It's really late so i'll write more later promise.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
School
I'm off at school. Started college early this year and super excited for classes to start. Right now we have tons of meetings and even though they are important and everything you can't help but want this week to end and next week to start. The upperclassman move in tomorrow so that will be nice change and will make things new again. Well GTG breakfast then meetings. :)
Monday, July 19, 2010
Sadness
So one of my friends dad's in the hospital. My sister's brother-in-law is still in the hospital. Plus now they say my great grandpa is so bad that he probably has less than a month. It's not fair. I know i shouldn't think like that and that life's not fair but how come my great grandpa that's been able to fight cancer more than once and black lung and even malaria has to die now when there's still 'bad' people out there. I know my great grandpa's not perfect but he's my only grandpa left and i can't lose him. God has his own plans i guess but in this instant i seriously don't see what good could come from this situation. There's too much pain around for everybody to bear. At some point doesn't he have to say that enough is enough?
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
If I die young
Have you heard the new song by: The Band Perry it goes:
If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Oh oh oh oh
Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even great, but she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time
If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time
And I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I've never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding me hand
There's a boy here in town says he'll love my forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time
So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done
A penny for my thoughts, oh no I'll sell them for a dollar
There worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll here the words I been singin'
Funny when your dead how people start listenin'
If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Oh oh
The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when your really gonna need them oh
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time
So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearlsWell anyway it got me thinking what would i have to say if i died young. Sure i got into the school that i worked my whole life to get into but you know i realized something that doesn't really mean anything. I mean i always thought it meant everything but the only reason i worked towards it was so that i could get out of my house sooner. So i could leave and so that i could get away from the person that only had horrible things to say about me and from the person that continually chose everything over me. So if i died today what could anybody say in my funeral. She was smart. Wow that's what i worked my whole life for people to be able to describe me as. I never cared about anything else but getting into this school and now that I'm in it i have nothing else to look forward to. Everybody says look into getting into the perfect college but this school already opened that door for me. I have worked my whole life to do something and now that i have it i have no idea what I'm supposed to do with the next sixty years. I guess that's what I'll do. I'll work to find something to say that would make it where if i died and people were to finally start listening to me they'd have something to say. I'll work to actually become somebody and to trust people and like people and everything like that. My new goal right there in print for you.
If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Oh oh oh oh
Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even great, but she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time
If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time
And I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I've never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding me hand
There's a boy here in town says he'll love my forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time
So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done
A penny for my thoughts, oh no I'll sell them for a dollar
There worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll here the words I been singin'
Funny when your dead how people start listenin'
If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Oh oh
The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when your really gonna need them oh
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time
So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearlsWell anyway it got me thinking what would i have to say if i died young. Sure i got into the school that i worked my whole life to get into but you know i realized something that doesn't really mean anything. I mean i always thought it meant everything but the only reason i worked towards it was so that i could get out of my house sooner. So i could leave and so that i could get away from the person that only had horrible things to say about me and from the person that continually chose everything over me. So if i died today what could anybody say in my funeral. She was smart. Wow that's what i worked my whole life for people to be able to describe me as. I never cared about anything else but getting into this school and now that I'm in it i have nothing else to look forward to. Everybody says look into getting into the perfect college but this school already opened that door for me. I have worked my whole life to do something and now that i have it i have no idea what I'm supposed to do with the next sixty years. I guess that's what I'll do. I'll work to find something to say that would make it where if i died and people were to finally start listening to me they'd have something to say. I'll work to actually become somebody and to trust people and like people and everything like that. My new goal right there in print for you.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
More on guys joy
Okay so i know i said i hoped that it would be the end of all the boyfriend drama but just to show you what letting my sister read my thoughts and feelings could end up doing I'm going to tell you about what happened today. We were in the car and earlier she'd seen the ex's profile right? Well she thinks he's hot like everybody else does idk maybe I'm just not seeing it in the pics... anyway she tells me i have to tell him that sometime this summer us two her, my brother-in-law, his sister, and whoever his sister is going out with are all going to go out together on a group date. So not only did she ruin my genius plan of getting him off my back she wants to start her's and his sisters (my sister's best friend) plan of getting us married started again. She's convinced he's in love with me still and that if i just gave myself a chance I'd fall in love with him too a load of bologna if you ask me. I mean come on we're sixteen not there's a slim chance that I'm going to be like her and find the guy I'm going to end up with now or even find a guy that i love. Plus i really don't want to love him not in that way maybe in a friend way but not in a more serious way. I HATE commitment!!!
Journals
Okay so I'm staying at my sisters all week and while we were at Wal-Mart she decided she was going to continue on with her idea of us passing our journals to each other even though i hadn't given my opinion yet. So she got these two journals and now she expects me to write down my thoughts in it. Long story short i have two journals now the one for her and the one for me it sounds kind of like the month after the therapist told me to write in one. (By the way therapists are quacks like all doctors and if you're like me they won't work for you if your parents decide to send you to see one) Anyway I'll have the one like I've always had my best friend that i tell everything to and then I'll have the one for her that i tell most things to. But the new one will be judging and have emotions and will probably call and yell at me for some of the stupid things i do or think or refuse to do so it'll be censored. I wish we could all be like God and my diary and be forgiving and never judge harshly. I wish we could all just understand each other then we wouldn't have to worry about what everybody thinks. sigh....
Friday, June 4, 2010
Just sitting here
I'm sitting here watching a movie with my sister. Well the previews before it anyway. We are supposed to decorate purses soon. I know a little kiddie but sometimes i say sometimes you need to do something kiddie. Anyway we're going to watch The Lovely Bones. The book was great and I've heard the movie's pretty good too but different like most are. I guess i'll just sign off and wish you all a great day. lol i just sounded all nice and sweet...
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Last Day of School
LAST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!! Not only was today my last day of school but it was my last day of a real high school. I'm completely pumped. Everybody else leaving high school behind seemed to be nervous... i guess i'm just weird then because i'm perfectly happy to be done. Even with it being early i don't think i could be happier to leave. I mean when i left my old school i felt like crying but this time i feel like it's the right thing. I feel no sadness i mean of course there are people i'm going to miss at school but mostly it's just relief to be done with it and get out of all the drama that this school has held. There's a graduation party for one of my friends soon and i'm hoping to go but i'm pretty sure my parentals will go all 'there are guys staying the night' and then shoot it down. I wouldn't tell them but they always figure that stuff out of course i'm pretty sure i'd be more likely to go if they figure out there will be drinking then if they figure out that guys will be staying too. If they figure out both i'll be locked in a tower for even thinking about asking. They have no trust in me at all. forget parties around them maybe i'll ask my sister to take me. (That could work) Parent Alert!!
Finale of Ex-boyfriend post
So on the ex-boyfriend thingy i think it might be solved... it's pretty simple i'm just going to go out on a date with him and make it a group date and only talk to the group. Maybe he'll get the point that i'm too far gone to fix and he'll leave me alone until i'm ready to be fixed. Sadly when i'm ready to be fixed i highly doubt that i'll want my problem to be fixed by him. I know he wants to fix my problem and that's just fine and dandy and all great for him but come on... Maybe i'm not ready... Maybe i'll never be ready...
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Guys
Okay so i recently got in touch with my ex-boyfriend. We were on and off again until he moved away in middle school. Now he goes to school close to me and we still have a lot in common right. The problem the same thing that kept me making things off-again. I'm scared of relationships. He doesn't get that though. I'll write more later about it. GTG parent alert!!
So the blogs that should be on my list...
So there's no blogs on my list. The reason... no i'm not ashamed. Some people that i don't want to read this could get on those blogs and then it wouldn't take long for them to figure out that hey I have a blog. Then voila my little way of venting and getting out some stuff without them knowing would be gone. So therefore the blogs that should be on the list are: I.M.P.A.C.T and God is The Way. They are really good. You should give them a try.
Monday, May 24, 2010
So if you've been following the blogs on my list you've heard about the crash. The one with Chris. His brother Matthew happens to be married to my sister. I spend more time talking and enjoying life with them then i do anywhere else and it hurts to know that they're hurting right now. I don't know how to fix their hurt either. I've prayed to God and i've asked others to pray for them but it doesn't seem to be comforting them at all. I mean come on his brother is sitting in the hospital bed in the ICU. Nobody knows what to do. How can anybody fix this? How can anybody help?
Me and my blog
So i just spent time reading my two favorite blogs the one my preacher writes and the one my friend writes. A lot of you probably wonder how in the world i got the idea to write about the stuff i've been writing about if all they write about is getting closer to God. I know that getting closer to God is an important thing to do but to tell the truth i'm not really as good as them at spending my time coming up with genius things to tell people that will make the light bulb go off. I can reply to some things and make people think but around them half the time i just feel simply inadaquate like what's God going to think when i have to stand beside these two in front of him and he asks why didn't you reach as many people as they did? It's not that i don't try it's that my brain doesn't work like that i figure the Ah-ha moments i have with God are just between me and God. They simply feel personal to me.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Just Me.
So it's Mary. I guess this could be kind of like a diary. Nobody knows I'm starting it and i don't really plan on telling very many people if any. I could leave it all alone and just finally have someplace to leave everything. Talk about the 21st century. Well Chris is in the hospital he had a serious wreck this morning. He's in ICU and they aren't sure how bad he is. He's better then he was this morning though. I'm praying that everything turns out alright and if anybody does turn out to be reading this send a prayer up yourself please.
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